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Fatwa CenterHer mother treats her in a provocative manner
Question
I have a question regarding how to deal with my mom. I am married with two kids and I have recently realized that my mom is trying to compete with me in how happy I am with my husband and how much money I spend. She even gets very insecure when I talk to my father or he gives me an expensive gift. For the last 15 years my mother has been making fun of my emotions from time to time and I always used to cry and then move on but since the last time she did that, I have not been able to stop crying and even my husband is begenning to get upset that he sees me crying all the time. My mom keep telling me about giving gifts to some of my dads relatives. These are the relatives who treated me badly when I once happened to live with them while I went to study for college. These relatives went to the extent of kicking me out of the very house that was owned by My father which my father had Lent them to live for free. I feel that I can never forgive my father for letting them do this to me. Each time my mom tells me that she went to meet those relatives and gave them this and that gift, it kills me deep inside and when my mom sees the anger on my face, she has a smile on her face. As time is passing by, my mom keeps on making fun of all her daughters and son. In this situation, it's it okay for me to not want to meet her or to try to avoid her because if I keep listening to her then it will affect my home and family as I cannot think of anything when I am depressed. Also, the next time she starts talking to me about other people, can I be firm with her and tell her that I do not want to talk about others as it always involves gheeba as well?
Answer
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad 
is His Slave and Messenger.
Usually, a mother is kind and compassionate toward her children in general and her daughters in particular. So, if the case is as you depicted with regard to your mother and her attitude towards you, then it is quite unusual and you should look into the matter and probe the real reasons behind such an attitude in order to find the apt solutions for each reason. If you had done something wrong, you could get things right and apologize to her; and if there is a misunderstanding, you could explain your situation and point of view.
Perhaps the matter is nothing more than mere jealousy or the like. In this case, it is better if you avoid all that might trigger her jealousy like talking to your father in her presence or telling her that he gave you such and such as a gift and the like.
However, you should never forget that she is your mother; you are commanded to be dutiful towards her and treat her kindly regardless of her bad attitude toward you. Please, refer to Fatwa 87019. Also, we advise you to observe patience; verily, patience brings about nothing but good results, Allaah Willing. Please, also refer to Fatwa 83577.
Our second piece of advice to you is to supplicate Allaah, The Exalted, to rectify the affairs of your mother and bless her with guidance so that she goes back to her senses. Supplication is the most effective means by help of which a Muslim can accomplish what he aspires to and ward off all that he fears. Allaah, The Exalted, commands us to turn to Him in supplication and promises to answer our supplication; He says (what means): {And your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you." Indeed, those who disdain My worship will enter Hell [rendered] contemptible.}[Quran 40:60]
There is no harm in avoiding being in the same place with your mother so as to evade potential problems that might be incurred by being with her in the same place. It is better to do this in an indirect manner so as not to provoke her and bring about the exact opposite results. If your mother happens to backbite others and the like in your presence, you should gently and politely forbid her from doing so. When a person forbids his parents from doing an evil act, it is not considered undutifulness towards them; instead, he is adhering to the obligation of enjoining good and forbidding evil. Abu Sa‘eed 
reported that the Prophet said: "Whoever of you sees an evil, let him change it with his hand; and if he is not able to do so, then with his tongue; and if he is not able to do so, then with his heart — and that is the weakest (manifestation) of faith." [Muslim] This obligation is general for every Muslim who witnesses a sin being committed. For further information, please refer to Fatwa 90264.
We implore Allaah, The Exalted, to bless your mother with guidance and success, and help to attain goodness and to protect her from the evils of her own self and her sins; verily, Allaah, The Exalted, is The All-Hearing and He answers the supplications of His slaves.
Allaah Knows best.
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