Getting to know suitor before he proposes to parents
9-11-2017 | IslamWeb
Question:
Assalaamu alaykum. I have a problem that has been on my mind lately, and it is hard for me to forget about it. There is a sister who I am close friends with who has a righteous brother, and she thinks that we should get married. I really like him, but the problem is that he lives abroad and has no college degree, and I know that my parents will not accept that I marry a man without a college degree. Another problem is how to explain to my parents how I met him. I really like him because of what his sister mentions regarding his qualities and religion, and I really want to marry a righteous man. I was going to ask whether it would be permissible for me to be a in a group chat with him, myself, his sister, and another brother so that we would not be in seclusion? I just would like to talk to him to make up a plan on how we can tell my parents and figure out his financial plans before I consider him for marriage. His sister and brother can monitor our calls to make sure that we are not flirting and that we are talking in a respectable manner. I just need to know some things about him before I tell my parents and before he comes to see me from abroad, because he lives so far. Mind you, we will only strictly be speaking about important topics like his financial plan, goals, and how we are going to tell our parents, and we will have another brother and sister listen to us as we speak. Is it also permissible for me to add him in a group chat with righteous sisters for them to monitor our texts and chats and make sure that we are not speaking about haram manners? I just want to make sure that this guy is worth it before telling my parents and informing them. I do not want to regret telling my parents about him if I do not investigate beforehand and see what kind of guy this person is.
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ʻalayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.
If the chat between you and this young man is within the limits of Shariah etiquette and it is done in a general group such that Fitnah (temptation) is not feared, then there is no harm in resorting to it – Allah willing. It should be noted, though, that this is not the best way to know about the religiosity and manners of this young man. Rather, it is better to ask trustworthy people who know him, following the example of the female Companion who consulted the Prophet, sallallaahu ʻalayhi wa sallam, regarding her suitors. It was narrated that Faatimah bint Qays 
said to the Prophet, sallallaahu ʻalayhi wa sallam, “Mua'awiyah ibn Abi Sufyaan and Abu Jahm both proposed to marry me.” The Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu ʻalayhi wa sallam, said, “As for Abu Jahm, he never puts down his stick from his shoulder (this may mean either that he travels a lot, or that he habitually beats his wives), and as for Muʻaawiyah, he is a poor man with no money. Marry Usaamah ibn Zayd!” She did not like it, so then he said, “Marry Usaamah.” So she married him, and Allah blessed them and she was envied (by others). [Muslim]
If trustworthy people praised his religiosity and manners, then accept his marriage proposal and perform the Istikhaarah (guidance-seeking) prayer to seek the help of Allah in this matter. If marrying him is good for you, then Allah will facilitate it; otherwise, He will turn him away from you. Refer to fatwa 81434 about the Istikhaarah prayer.
Differences in academic degrees and the like do not prevent accepting the marriage proposal of a suitor in the Shariah. If your parents reject the proposal, try to convince them. If they responded to you, all praise be to Allah. If they refused him without a valid reason, you may refer the case to the Islamic center in your country or the like.
If your parents' intention is not to harm you with their refusal, then be patient until Allah, the Exalted, blesses you with another righteous suitor, especially given that parents love their children and seek their best interests.
As for informing your parents of your wish to marry this man, we believe that it is simple; you can ask his sister, for instance, to visit your mother and inform her that her brother wishes to propose or the like of proper behavior that would eliminate suspicions.
Allah knows best.