Establishing relationships with women on the pretext of seeking a wife
4-5-2009 | IslamWeb
Question:
Alhamdulillah we have been a happy couple for 12 years.A while ago his behavior changed.He started seeking friendship and flirting outside marriage.When I asked if he wants to take a second wife,he said no.First he denied having any contacts with other women.Then he was sorry and told me he will stop doing it.after some time he was doing it again and yet denied again.I did not spy on my husband but had to clarify what came to my obvious notice.Before asking I made sure that i am not accusing him for false issue.I’ve been going through Islamic websites and have noticed many fatwas relating to the permission of lying to one's wife to keep the marriage intact.Sadly, husbands remember this fatwa and forget all other ways of keeping the sanctity of marriage. Because of his recent activities and lying,he has lost respect in my eyes.The marriage can last without love but it cannot last without trust.I am very disturbed and upset.I put so much effort in this marriage yet he is ruining the harmony of our little home.My questions are 1) Is it ok to think "I dont want to have a second wife but I am looking around nevertheless, if I liked someone,I would marry".please clarify it as thats what most men seem to think to prove friendship with women is halal. 2) is it permissible for husbands to flirt and have female friends while lying to their wives in order not to upset them? 3) what if a wife is making friends with males and lying to her husband so as not to upset him for the sake of keeping the marriage intact? Is that permissible too? 4) I believe my religion to be the most just and true.Why is it that if a wife makes such mistake,man doesnt forget it and divorce her straight away but if such is committed by a man,the family,society and scholars advise the wife to be forgiving and stay in the marriage? 5)Is it worth lying to wife about other women at the cost of losing the trust and ruining the marriage? 6)please advise so I can have peace in my heart.JzkAllah
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad 
is His slave and Messenger.
We will summarize our answer to your questions in the following points:
1- There are religious texts that prove the permissibility of each spouse to lie to the other, and this is not peculiar only to the husband with his wife. Moreover, the scholars 
stated that what is meant here is the lie by which a religious benefit is achieved and the affection between the two spouses is increased, and provided that this does not lead one spouse to be unjust to another. However, some scholars stated that what is meant here is what is known by Tawriyah (saying something which has more than one meaning and intending a meaning different from what the listener is likely to understand). In any case, it does not mean the absolute permission of lying.
2- Looking at non-Mahram women on the pretext that one is looking for a second wife is nothing but deceiving one’s own self, before it is considered as deceiving his wife, because Allaah does not permit something that could lead the dissolute people to achieve their desires. Rather, Islam permits a man to look at a woman whom he wants to get engaged to and wishes that she will accept to be his wife if he proposes to her, and is prepared to marry her if he likes her and she agrees to marry him; so these conditions should be met. Jaabir ibn ‘Abdullaah 
narrated that the Prophet said: "If one of you proposes to a woman to marry her, then if he can look at what incites him to marry her, then he should do so." [Abu Daawood] The scholars said: 'This means if he wants to propose to her.' For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 91413.
3- Flirting with non-Mahram women and establishing a friendly relationship with them is absolutely forbidden, and such an act is not permissible whether or not it is in order to get engaged with a woman. Indeed, such sins may lead to some conflicts in marital life. Allaah Says (what means): {And whatever strikes you of disaster — it is for what your hands have earned; but He pardons much.}[Quran 42:30] For more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 119267.
4- It is not permissible for each spouse to lie to the other in order to do what incurs the Wrath of Allaah.
5- It is not correct to say that if a wife does a mistake, her husband should divorce her immediately; rather, in Islamic Law, divorce is the last solution and there are steps that should be taken before resorting to divorce in case the wife is disobedient; for more benefit, please refer to Fatwa 85402. Similarly, in Islamic Law, it is permissible for a woman to ask for divorce is she is harmed by staying with her husband. Nonetheless, the Islamic Law advises both spouses not to hasten and to seek the means of reconciliation because Allaah Says (what means): {… and settlement is best.}[Quran 4:128]
Allaah Knows best.