Indeed, It Was the First Night in My Life!

03/04/2013| IslamWeb

I was moving restlessly on my bed that night; I could not sleep as I was extremely terrified for no obvious reason. It was four in the morning and I was overwhelmed with fear and everything was dim and dark in my eyes. I started reciting the Surahs of the Noble Quran that I had to memorize. I have memorized many of them, yet I have forgotten most of them as I did not revise them continually. I closed my eyes and started recalling what I memorize from the verses of the Noble Quran; I felt a little bit calm, yet fear was still in the air.

Strangely enough, I started seeing my whole life flash before my eyes. I recalled my childhood, my sins while I was growing up, and the prayers that I have often, and maybe always, performed lazily. Moreover, I started remembering my friend and how we used to meet, play, and have fun together, never thinking of death! I recalled how my friend left her house one day, but never came back. She passed away in a car accident! Then, I started thinking of what I would say to the Angel of death when he comes to claim my soul; am I ready for death? Am I ready to meet my Lord? Have I done enough good deeds to enter Paradise? Would I be among the dwellers of Paradise or the residents of Hellfire? No, I will definitely, be among the inhabitants of Paradise, Allah willing, but what did I do to earn that honor? Are my deeds enough to get me into Paradise? What did I do to be among the dwellers of Paradise? Would yelling and shouting at my mother get me into Paradise? Are backbiting and tale-bearing the kind of deeds that would get me into Paradise? Am I going to be granted Paradise for not adhering to the due Hijab or for my impermissible exposure of my adornments and beauty? Is Paradise the abode of those who watch impermissible films and listen to immoral songs? I have always felt shy to let people sit with me while watching such immoral movies and songs, yet I have never felt bashful of Allah The Almighty!

I was silent for some seconds, and then continued my monologue. I started thinking that I was still, certainly, better than many other impious people. Then, I started recalling those devout young girls whom I used to meet in the mosque and how each of them was willing to fight the whole universe and sacrifice her life and not expose a single lock of her hair before strangers! Who am I compared to them? Have I made an agreement with Allah The Exalted to grant me the chance to repent before death? Have I made an accord with Allah The Exalted that I would not die now or tomorrow? Has Allah The Almighty promised to forgive me and admit me to Paradise?

Frightened as I was at these moments, I stood up, shaking out of fear with frozen tears in my eyes. I headed towards the bathroom, preformed ablution and stood to perform prayers. I was literally shivering and shaking all over.

Strangely enough, I found myself shedding tears and crying out of fear for the first time in my life. It was the first time in my life to cry like that for something other than the usual worldly affairs and insignificant trivialities. In fact, I used to cry my eyes out for missing the chance to commit a sin! Moreover, I also used to cry my heart out when hearing a love song that moves me, yet it is a mere Satanic whispering. Alas, I have cried for the most trivial reasons, yet I have never cried while pondering over the Noble Quran, being moved with the Words of Allah that He rendered a remedy and mercy for us!

Indeed, I have gone astray; I have been inattentive, my feelings have been numbed and I have been swimming against the tide, yet, here I am sobbing ad crying my heart out, because of fear of Allah The Almighty, lamenting and bemoaning my past sins that I committed carelessly thinking that they were not that grave. Allah The Exalted Says (what means): #{…and thought it was insignificant while it was, in the Sight of Allah, tremendous."}## [Quran 24:15]

What a great difference between those tears!

No one would believe how much I was moved by the meanings of the verses that I read that night. It was as if I was reciting them for the first time in my life, although I used to recite them often in my prayers! I prostrated myself before Allah The Exalted for a very long time. I did not feel the passage of time then, yet the only feeling that was haunting and absorbing me was the sense of humbleness and grandeur of being in the Presence of Allah The Almighty, my Lord and Creator. I kept supplicating, imploring Allah The Exalted to forgive my sins and pardon my misdeeds, thanking and praising Him that I literally felt the grandeur of His presence. I could not believe what I was saying back then; I was beseeching Him with supplications that I never knew I had memorized. I felt as if my heart was imploring Allah The Exalted! I finished the prayer and then started remembering my past sins; then, I started contemplating my own body; how do my hands move? How does my heart throb? How do my eyes, ears and feet function? Then, I started pondering over everything around me; how can a tiny seed grow and become a huge tree? I started thinking; where I have been all those past years? Have I been inattentive and heedless for all this time? Have I not felt the grandeur of His presence, although He was so close to me?

I really felt the Grandeur of Allah The Exalted at that moment. How could one overlook and fail to notice such Grandeur? How can a human being be that ungrateful to his Lord? His Creator bestows upon him so many blessings and grants him sustenance, in spite of man's continuous misdeeds and sins, while the human neglects to be grateful, and praise and pray to Him. In fact, Allah The Exalted does not deprive the sinners of sustenance and blessings because of their sins.

Moreover, Allah The Exalted increases one's sustenance, while this ungrateful creature increases his sins! How strange this is! Allah The Exalted asks His slaves to repent to Him, promising to Pardon all their misdeeds, and replace them with good deeds, yet man would not settle for that great deal! How is it that one refuses such a golden opportunity? How can he say no to such a proposal? Does this creature not know that he would die one day? Does he not remember that death is his inescapable fate? How many years could he possibly live? Seventy, eighty, even one hundred years; and then what? Indeed, he would die and be buried beneath the ground [in the dust]. Who would keep company with him in the darkness of his grave? Who would reassure him and relieve his worry and fear then? Who would be there for him? Who would shield him against the punishment in the grave? Where will be his formative actors and singers then? Where will be his friends with whom he spent his good times in this life? Where will be his family who has neglected him? Who would be with him on that day?

I heard the call for the Fajr Prayer; I performed the payer and sat down to recite the Noble Quran for the first time after the last month of Ramadan or the one before it! I kept reciting the verses of the Noble Quran until sunrise of shortly after; and then, I went to bed. My heart was filled with bliss and tranquility; I was happy and calm as I wiped away my tears as if I was wiping away my sins. I felt that my sins were washed with my tears; those tears were washing my heart from all the stains, relieving my worries and fear. By Allah, I have never felt this way before; it was a unique bliss that I have never experienced before in my entire life. I kept repeating the verse that reads (what means): #{Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the Remembrance of Allah.

Unquestionably, by the Remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.}## [Quran 13:28]

At last, I closed my eyes, and fell into a deep sleep. I slept like a baby and relished the sweetness of deep sleep for the first time in my life; as if I had not slept for the past nineteen years of my life!