Whom Should you Choose as a Husband? - II

10/07/2012| IslamWeb

• He should have memorized a portion of the Quran

The immigrant Companion, Abu Huthayfah ibn ‘Utbah ibn Rabee‘ah, may Allah be pleased with him, was one of the early Muhaajiroon (Emigrants) and early Muslims, and his father ‘Utbah, his uncle Shaybah and his brother Al-Waleed ibn ‘Utbah were all among the chiefs and wealthy men of the Quraysh. Nonetheless, Abu Huthayfah, may Allah be pleased with him, gave his niece Hind bint Al-Waleed, may Allah be pleased with her, in marriage to his freed slave Saalim, may Allah be pleased with him, because he was one of the memorizers of the Quran. By doing so, he broke one of the evil practices of the pre-Islamic era and announced the birth of a new principle of equality, which does not recognize any differences except on the basis of piety and righteous deeds. All people are slaves in the Kingdom of Allah The Almighty.

Sahl ibn Sa‘d As-Saa‘idi, may Allah be pleased with him, said,
"A woman came to Messenger of Allah and said, 'O Messenger of Allah! I have come to give you myself in marriage (without dowry).' The Messenger of Allah looked at her. He looked at her carefully and fixed his glance on her and then lowered his head. When the lady saw that he did not say anything, she sat down. A man from his Companions stood up and said, 'O Messenger of Allah! If you do not need her, then marry her to me.'

The Prophet asked: 'Have you got anything to offer?' The man said, 'No, by Allah, O Messenger of Allah!' The Prophet said (to him): 'Go to your family and see if you have anything.' The man went and returned, saying, 'No, by Allah, I have not found anything.' The Messenger of Allah said: 'Go again and look for something, even if it is an iron ring.' He went again and returned, saying, 'No, by Allah, O Messenger of Allah! I could not find even an iron ring, but this is my Izaar (a lower garment).' He had no upper garment. He added, "I give half of it to her."

The Messenger of Allah said: 'What will she do with your Izaar? If you wear it, she will be naked, and if she wears it, you will be naked.' So the man sat down for a long while and then got up (to depart).

When the Messenger of Allah saw him leaving, he ordered that he be called back. When he came, the Prophet said: 'How much of the Quran do you know?' He said, 'I know such and such Surah,' counting them. The Prophet said: 'Have you memorized them by heart?' He replied, 'Yes.' The Prophet said: 'Go, I marry her to you for those parts of the Quran which you have memorized.'” [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

• He should have a noble background

It was narrated on the authority of Sa‘eed ibn Al-Musayyib that the Prophet said: "People are like gold and silver. Those who were the best during the pre-Islamic period would be the best in Islam, if they understood the religion." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

• He should be kind and gentle with his wife (or of good morals)

Abu Bakr ibn Abu Al-Jahm ibn Sukhayr Al-‘Adawi said,

"I heard Faatimah bint Qays say that she was irrevocably divorced and that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alahi wa sallam, did not allocate housing or financial maintenance for her. She said that the Prophet said to her: 'Let me know when your ‘Iddah expires.' When her ‘Iddah had expired, Mu‘aawiyah, Abu Jahm and Usaamah ibn Zayd proposed to her. Thereupon, the Messenger of Allah said: 'As for Mu‘aawiyah, he is a poor man, having no property, and as for Abu Jahm, he often beats women. Marry Usaamah ibn Zayd.' She gestured with her hand to show objection, saying, 'Usaamah! Usaamah!' The Prophet said: 'Obeying Allah and His Messenger is better for you.' She said, 'I married him, and later I was envied (by other women for that marriage).' [Muslim]

The Prophet warned her against marrying Abu Jahm because he used to beat women very often. The Prophet also said: "The most perfect believers in faith are those who have the best morals and are the kindest with their families." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] Therefore, the Muslim woman should carefully make sure of the good morals of the suitor, without any concession or laxity in this matter. If a husband has bad manners and mistreats others, their marital life will worsen.

In Tuhfat Al-‘Aroos, the following was mentioned:

A young man proposed to a Bedouin girl who admired his beauty and did not pay heed to his morals or behavior. Her father advised her not to marry him because he was not a righteous man, but she did not accept his advice. He again asked her to refuse, but she insisted and finally married him. One month after her marriage, the father visited her in her house and noticed signs of beating on her body. He pretended that he had not noticed anything, and asked her, 'How are you, my daughter?' She also pretended that she was content with her conditions, but when her father asked, 'What are these marks on your body?' She burst into tears, and said, ''I do not know what I should tell you, O father. It is my mistake that I disobeyed you and chose him without making sure of his morals and conduct .''

It should be noted that the foundation of a man's good morals is forbearance, modesty, generosity and mercy.

• He should be able to afford marriage (being sexually competent and financially solvent, capable of bearing the costs of marriage and living expenses)

The Prophet said to Faatimah bint Qays: "As for Mu‘aawiyyah, he is a poor man, having no property." [Muslim]

The Prophet encouraged the youth to marry once they could afford to do so. It was narrated on the authority of ‘Abdullaah ibn Mas‘ood, may Allah be pleased with him, that the Prophet said: "O young men, whoever among you can afford marriage, he should marry, for marriage helps one lower his gaze and guard his chastity. Whoever cannot afford it, let him observe fasting, for it is a shield for him." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim]

In his book Nayl Al-Awtaar, Ash-Shawkaani quoted Al-Khattaabi as saying, "Affordability refers to sexual competence." An-Nawawi said,

"Scholars differed about the type of affordability in the Hadeeth and have two opinions. Both of them share the same meaning. The preponderant opinion is that it refers to sexual intercourse, so the Hadeeth would run as 'whoever can afford marriage sexually, provided that he is able to cover its costs, let him marry, and whoever cannot afford it because he is not able to cover its costs, let him observe fasting to curb his sexual desire and to avoid the evil of illegal sex, as the shield guards man'. The second opinion signifies that affordability is confined to the costs of marriage, which are intrinsic to the process. The Hadeeth, according to this opinion, means that whoever can financially afford marriage, let him marry; and whoever is not able to cover its costs, let him observe fasting."

He should be strong and trustworthy

Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {One of the women said, "O my father, hire him. Indeed, the best one you can hire is the strong and the trustworthy."} [Quran 28:26] He should be strong and able to earn his living, and he should be trustworthy as the Prophet said: "Fear Allah regarding your wives, for you married them by the Ordinances of Allah."

The untrustworthy man beats and insults his wife, so he does not abide by the Ordinances of Allah. He is not allowed to beat her without a crime, nor is he allowed to desert her without guilt. He should be kind to her. This behavior pertains to the trust, and the husband who violates it is considered as having betrayed his wife because he married her by the Ordinances of Allah, so he should either keep her in an acceptable manner or release her in kindness. The woman exerts extraordinary effort in bringing up her children, doing the housework and educating the children. On the other hand, Allah The Almighty gave man the right to be in charge of the wife and should have great patience, which could comprehend four wives. Therefore, how is it that a husband cannot be patient with one wife? Surely, there is a fault somewhere in such a man. In his book ‘Awdatul-Hijab', Dr. Muhammad ibn Ismaa‘eel Al-Muqaddim said,

"It is obligatory for the guardian of the woman to fear Allah regarding choosing her husband by considering his good qualities. He should not give her in marriage to a bad-mannered husband or to a husband with weak faith or to a husband who could not fulfill her rights. Marriage is like enslavement, so it is important to carefully choose her husband. She would be like a slave girl with nobody to free her while the husband has the power to divorce her under any circumstances."

The Prophet said: "Be kind to your women, for they are like captives under your authority." [At-Tirmithi] The woman is like a slave-girl or a captive with her husband, because she is not allowed to leave her husband's house except with his permission, whether her father, her mother or anyone other than her parents ordered her to leave. This is according to the unanimous agreement of scholars.