Mind your manners in company!
10/01/2011| IslamWeb
"Please father! Take me with you."
Most fathers hear this sentence from their children when they want to go out. Sometimes children ask insistently or weep to accompany their fathers in their gatherings with adults. Fathers have different opinions about the proper action in this regard -- whether they should take their children with them to attend adult gatherings or if they should postpone it till they are more mature.
The noble Companion ‘Amr ibn Al-‘Aas, may Allah be pleased with him, answered this question. One day he saw some people sitting in a circle beside the Ka‘bah, and when he finished his Tawaaf (circumambulation), he joined them, but he saw them children lagging behind. He said, "Do not do that; give them some space; let them join you and inspire them. Today they are the young among a people and tomorrow they will be the old among another people. We were young among our people and we have become old among other people."
Imaam Ibn Muflih 
commented on these words, saying, "This is undoubtedly correct, and knowledge which is sought at an early age is more firm. So, we should look after young students, particularly those who are intelligent, wakeful and diligent in acquiring knowledge. Let not their young age, poverty and weakness prevent us from considering them and caring for them." There is no harm in taking children to gatherings of older people, especially gatherings of beneficial knowledge. Yet, they must be taught the manners of attending company, which include:
commented on these words, saying, "This is undoubtedly correct, and knowledge which is sought at an early age is more firm. So, we should look after young students, particularly those who are intelligent, wakeful and diligent in acquiring knowledge. Let not their young age, poverty and weakness prevent us from considering them and caring for them." There is no harm in taking children to gatherings of older people, especially gatherings of beneficial knowledge. Yet, they must be taught the manners of attending company, which include: · The child sits beside his father in the gathering: The father should not leave a space between him and his child, lest someone comes and sits between them. The Prophet, 
, said: "One should not sit between someone and his son in a gathering." Perhaps the Prophet, , forbade this separation because it may hurt both the father and his son. It also denies the father the chance to instruct his son when he makes a mistake or misbehaves in the gathering. Separating the father from his son in the gathering is considered impoliteness on the part of the person who does this if he is aware of their relation.
, said: "One should not sit between someone and his son in a gathering." Perhaps the Prophet, , forbade this separation because it may hurt both the father and his son. It also denies the father the chance to instruct his son when he makes a mistake or misbehaves in the gathering. Separating the father from his son in the gathering is considered impoliteness on the part of the person who does this if he is aware of their relation. · Listening attentively and not talking without permission: When adults talk, the child should listen to them and not speak unless he is given permission. This was the methodology of the Companions' children when they attended adult gatherings. It was narrated on the authority of Ibn ‘Umar, may Allah be pleased with him, that the Prophet, , said: "‘Tell me about a tree that resembles the Muslim and that which produces its fruits all the time by the permission of its Lord and does not cast its leaves.’ Ibn ‘Umar said, ‘I guessed it was the palm-tree, but I disliked speaking in the presence of Abu Bakr and ‘Umar.’"[Al-Bukhari] This narration shows the politeness of the boy in adult gatherings, that is, he should not speak unless needed or is given permission. The father teaches his son this etiquette and admonishes him to adopt it. The child should not talk frequently or idly in the gathering, since this indicates lack of bashfulness.
, said: "‘Tell me about a tree that resembles the Muslim and that which produces its fruits all the time by the permission of its Lord and does not cast its leaves.’ Ibn ‘Umar said, ‘I guessed it was the palm-tree, but I disliked speaking in the presence of Abu Bakr and ‘Umar.’"[Al-Bukhari] This narration shows the politeness of the boy in adult gatherings, that is, he should not speak unless needed or is given permission. The father teaches his son this etiquette and admonishes him to adopt it. The child should not talk frequently or idly in the gathering, since this indicates lack of bashfulness. · Manner of sneezing and yawning: Manners of attending company include training the child in the manners of sneezing and yawning. Otherwise, he will open his mouth in front of the people who are attending the gathering in an inappropriate way. He may sneeze or cough in someone's face, dribble on them and raise his voice by not covering his face. This is impoliteness and misbehavior. The child should get used to making no sound when he sneezes and not attract people's attention to the loud sound he creates. He should be taught to praise Allah The Almighty after sneezing, be reminded of that by looking at him or asking him what the Muslim should say after sneezing.
In this way, the child will be accustomed to adhering to correct etiquette and never forget it. The child should be taught that yawning is disliked and belongs to the devil's actions and that the Islamic etiquette in this regard is what the Prophet, , said: "Yawning comes from the devil, so if one yawns, let him close his mouth as much as he can." Yawning is a sign of laziness; inactivity of the body and an inclination to rest. This is unlike sneezing, which is a sign of activity and vitality.
, said: "Yawning comes from the devil, so if one yawns, let him close his mouth as much as he can." Yawning is a sign of laziness; inactivity of the body and an inclination to rest. This is unlike sneezing, which is a sign of activity and vitality. · Thanking the host: Thanking and supplicating for the host are two desirable manners of attending company. That is the implication of the Hadeeth (narration): "A man who does not thank people has not thanked Allah." [Al-Bukhari] Raising the child to thank people for their good actions is an important and necessary element of good manners, and the child gets used to it by seeing a role model and receiving guidance on this regard. The father should ask his child to say to their host before leaving the gathering, "May Allah reward you" or any other phrase of praise or supplication. Therefore, the child learns how to deal with people, be humble, appreciate their favors and reward those who do good.
· Supplication at the end of the gathering: The father should not forget to help his child memorize the reported supplication, which is said before the gathering is over and explain to him that the objective of this supplication is to expiate for the idle talk and mistakes made during the gathering. The Prophet, , taught us this in his Hadeeth, which reads: "Whoever sits in a gathering and indulges in useless talk and before getting up supplicates: 'Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdik, ash-hadu an laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk (O Allah, You are free from every imperfection; praise be to You. I testify that there is no deity worthy of worship except You; I ask Your forgiveness and turn to You in repentance),' he will be forgiven (for the sins he might have committed) in that assembly." [At-Tirmithi] Perhaps the child would learn this supplication when he watches his father saying it audibly after finishing his gathering at home or elsewhere.
, taught us this in his Hadeeth, which reads: "Whoever sits in a gathering and indulges in useless talk and before getting up supplicates: 'Subhaanaka Allahumma wa bihamdik, ash-hadu an laa ilaaha illa Ant, astaghfiruka wa atoobu ilayk (O Allah, You are free from every imperfection; praise be to You. I testify that there is no deity worthy of worship except You; I ask Your forgiveness and turn to You in repentance),' he will be forgiven (for the sins he might have committed) in that assembly." [At-Tirmithi] Perhaps the child would learn this supplication when he watches his father saying it audibly after finishing his gathering at home or elsewhere. · Keeping secrets of the gathering: This is one of the most important manners of attending gatherings for young and old people alike. The Prophet, , said: "Meetings are confidential." The young child who is still in the stage of learning and disciplining may not perfectly keep the secrets or what he sees and hears outside the home, unless his parents raise him to do that. The father should always alert and instruct his child that the disclosure of secrets in a gathering is a dispraised and bad manner and betrayal that Allah The Almighty does not approve to be a quality of His believing slaves. We can show him an example or a role model from the Companions in concealing the secret of the Prophet, , at an early age. It is Anas ibn Maalik, may Allah be pleased with him, who said,
, said: "Meetings are confidential." The young child who is still in the stage of learning and disciplining may not perfectly keep the secrets or what he sees and hears outside the home, unless his parents raise him to do that. The father should always alert and instruct his child that the disclosure of secrets in a gathering is a dispraised and bad manner and betrayal that Allah The Almighty does not approve to be a quality of His believing slaves. We can show him an example or a role model from the Companions in concealing the secret of the Prophet, , at an early age. It is Anas ibn Maalik, may Allah be pleased with him, who said, The Messenger of Allah came to me as I was playing with some boys. He greeted us and sent me on an errand and I was late when I went to my mother. When I came to her she said, "What detained you?" I said, “The Messenger of Allah sent me on an errand." She said, "What was it?" I said, "It is a secret." Thereupon, she said, "Do not then disclose the secret of the Messenger of Allah to anyone." [Muslim]
came to me as I was playing with some boys. He greeted us and sent me on an errand and I was late when I went to my mother. When I came to her she said, "What detained you?" I said, “The Messenger of Allah sent me on an errand." She said, "What was it?" I said, "It is a secret." Thereupon, she said, "Do not then disclose the secret of the Messenger of Allah to anyone." [Muslim]We should treat our children gently in gatherings, especially the young ones, and avoid belittling them or dismissing them from it. Some children attended the gatherings of the Prophet, , and he used to treat them lovingly and make them happy by giving them from the fruits brought to him during the season of harvest. The father is required to imitate the Prophet, , in this respect by being kind to children, giving them some of the fruit, food and sweets to make them happy, and should avoid preventing them from sitting with adults as long as they abide by the manners mentioned above.
, and he used to treat them lovingly and make them happy by giving them from the fruits brought to him during the season of harvest. The father is required to imitate the Prophet, , in this respect by being kind to children, giving them some of the fruit, food and sweets to make them happy, and should avoid preventing them from sitting with adults as long as they abide by the manners mentioned above. Finally, dear parent, or anyone assuming the responsibility of the upbringing process,
The father has to watch his child closely in order to assess how successful he is in applying these manners, explain to him the mistakes he has made and reward him when he is observant. This develops the child's ability of understanding and bravery, and he will neither be scared of strangers nor be shy of attending adult gatherings.
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