Raising Girls from Grandmothers to Granddaughters

02/04/2009| IslamWeb

On my way home from work one day, I found male and female preparatory and secondary school students speaking with each other in an indecent, disrespectful manner. I saw with my own eyes a girl shouting the nastiest words in the face of a young man. I could not believe that it was actually a girl who was talking and that one day she would be a wife and a mother, responsible for raising the next generation.

At that point, I realized that we had been brought up on many values which will not fade over time, as we were taught to be bashful especially when speaking to men, and taught that a girl is calm by nature; otherwise she would be like a boy.

 

We were taught the limits of speaking with young men, and to observe the famous saying "Do not walk in the street except with your father, brother, or husband, and be polite and modest while walking with them."

I felt that these beautiful values have been lost, so I decided to search for them in three generations: a grandmother, a mother, and a granddaughter.

 

Indirect Observance

 

Mrs. Ameenah Ameen Muhammad, a grandmother from Jeddah, says that the righteous mother is a model for her children, especially daughters who are greatly influenced by their mothers. She continues to say that a wife has to obey her husband showing that in the presence of her children so that they would emulate her. The wife should not let any problems between her and her husband be shown to her children as they have critical eyes and remember such things. Witnessing such things might cause a girl to have a complex about marriage. Also, mothers have to teach their children to be honest and not to aspire for what others possess. However, this does not mean that she satisfies all their needs so that they would not have any aspirations. She should always make them feel that they have better circumstances than others. She should also make them conscious that Allah The Almighty is watching them, and should try to make them fear His Punishment if they live lavishly or have possessions that exceed their needs.

 

Regarding the bringing up of her children, Ameenah says that she was always a friend to her daughters and that she adopted a gradual attitude with them concerning everything. She did not impose any view on them, especially when they were not adhering to wearing the Hijab at the beginning of their youth. At the same time, she always advised and guided them and afterwards, her daughters were convinced that not wearing the Hijab causes the [1]anger of Allah The Almighty. Her advice to them was not to imitate anyone in the way they dress. She also advises mothers to be friends with their daughters. This makes them refer to their mothers before doing anything. According to her, there should be control and clear-cut management at home and that children should not be allowed to do as they please, especially the girls. Mothers should always keep an eye on their daughters and watch their conduct without them knowing so that they will not lose confidence in their mothers or in themselves.

 

My Eldest Daughter Taught Me

 

Salwa ‘Abd Al-Jawwaad, a wife and mother, says that the way her mother brought her up is not suitable to follow now with her daughter. Time and generations are now different, and the nature of each girl is different from the nature of others. The method of upbringing that was suitable for her eldest daughter was not suitable for the youngest one, as each of them has her own individual personality. She gives an example of her eldest daughter who is a secondary school student. She made her wear the Hijab when she was still young believing that it would make her accustomed to it when she grows up. Then, her daughter would answer anyone asking her why she put on the Hijab at such an early age by saying that she has it on just to be accustomed to wearing it. The mother thought that her daughter was convinced of wearing the Hijab. However, when she wanted to follow the same procedure with her younger daughter, the eldest daughter refused adamantly and told her not to deprive her of her childhood. At that time, the mother realized that the eldest daughter was not convinced of wearing the Hijab because she had been forced to wear it. Now, she is convinced after reading and understanding what she read that this means that the daughter's adherence to her mother's view does not necessarily mean that she is convinced of it. Consequently, mothers should be friends to their daughters.

 

Salwa recalls that when she was a teenager, she asked her mother about the meaning of love, but she did not answer her because mothers were bashful at that time. Nowadays, mothers have to know everything and answer their daughters openly without being shy, for they know everything - even things their mothers can not imagine - through school and friends.

 

Therefore, parents should be qualified to bring up their children. Mothers should keep abreast of all the new things around them, read widely and seek more understanding of the religion so that they can answer their daughters' questions.

 

Salwa advises mothers to let their daughters read books on subjects they feel shy to inform them about, such as books on rulings of purification.

 

Forbidden Without Discussion

 

Mrs. Umm ‘Ammaar, a housewife and mother of two daughters says that girls are no longer like they were in the past; they get involved in arguments and discussions and there is no blind obedience. In the past, if we wanted to go out and we were prevented by our parents, we would respect their opinion. However, now if girls are prevented from going out, they get angry and argue and persist until we approve of their request. We try to protect our girls from current danger, but they do not appreciate that. I do not deny my daughters anything unless they are convinced and I am not violent or strict with them so that they would not do what they want without my knowledge. I do not want my daughters to reach such a level. 

 

Compelled University Student

 

Madeehah Ahmad is a university student who finds herself compelled to agree to the way she was raised. She says that her mother did not understand that upbringing includes both abstract and material aspects and that she only received material love from her mother. Her mother was never close to her, and that made her search for abstract love outside her home. She did not raise her to follow certain principles and there was no dialogue between them, and if she asked her mother about anything concerning girls, she would reprimand and reject her.

 

This created a gap between the girl and her mother, and therefore, the daughter had no real guidance in the world and she faced life on her own. She realized that her grandmother's way of raising her mother was the cause behind all that, for the grandmother was harsh with her mother and aunts, who would never speak with her. That is why her mother treated her the same way as her grandmother used to; although times have changed, her mother has not realized this.

 

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[1]- We believe in and affirm the Attributes of Allah that occur in the Quran and authentic Hadeeths of the Prophet, , without distorting their wordings or meanings, nor denying, nor asking how their reality is, nor drawing resemblance between Allah and any of His creation.