Observe Etiquettes With Your Spouse

02/04/2009| IslamWeb

Without a set of rules and orders to be applied and respected, life would be chaotic and uncivilized. A home that is based on desires will be destroyed by them. A home that is built on water will sink into it. A house that is constructed in the path of the flood will be destroyed by that flood. A family that is founded on piety and obedience to Allah The Almighty cannot be uprooted, even by the strongest of winds.

“Build your house on rock” is the advice of many grandfathers to their grandsons. What a wonderful order it is when it is followed at home, at school, in the factory, in the mosque and on the street. Conversely, how great is the ugliness of chaos at home, at school, at the clubs and on the street. One of the great tasks that Allah The Almighty assigned to His Messengers was to teach people good manners. Some people call virtues and good manners etiquettes. Anyone who observes these rules is regarded as being civilized and well-mannered. On the other hand, anyone who violates these rules is considered uncivilized and ill-mannered. 

 

We usually observe manners around strangers, so that we would gain their trust, respect and appreciation. However, often when we are around our loved ones who live with us or our life partners, we act thoughtlessly. We might hurt their feelings unintentionally and sometimes even intentionally hurt them because we think that etiquettes should be observed only while dealing with strangers. When dealing with close ones, we are often rough, thoughtless, and uncouth. Therefore, every newly-wed couple should agree together on rules to be written in the form of a document or an agreement that includes everything that can enrich their life and provide it with pleasure through activities, various hobbies, visits, meditations, and journeys. The purpose of this agreement is to enhance the spouse’s respect and appreciation for each other, and to decrease the amount of disagreements and maltreatment. 

 

They should agree on a penalty that will befall either of them who violates any of the terms of the agreement. Penalties can include desertion for no more than a day or two, an apology to the wronged spouse, paying an amount of money or to buy a gift to make it up to the wronged spouse. Then, both parties should willingly sign that document. In the course of time, new terms can be added and old terms may be deleted. However, order should remain in effect and respect should be ongoing.

 

Some Rules for Good Manners

 

Some of the good manners that Islam and people with illuminated minds encourage, which some people may call etiquettes, are:

 

1-   To ask permission and knock before entering anyone’s room. 

2-   To say “Assalaamu ‘alaykum…” when entering the home, the room or the car.

3-   The person who is leaving a room should ask those inside the room whether they need anything from outside.

4-   A person should not read a letter, a check or a piece of paper that does not belong to him.

5-   To return anything, such as a book or a ruler, that we borrow.

6-   To buy a new object if we break or damage something belonging to someone else.

7-   To put anything which belongs to the other partner back where it was if we move it.

8-   To apologize to the person we wrong.

9-   To accept the apology of the wrongdoer without blaming excessively.

10-               To have quiet, respectful speech that does not have any foul language in it.

11-               To speak the truth even if it is bitter but in a gentle, unoffending way.

12-               To offer advice to the one who needs it without any haughtiness.

13-               To be pleased when our partner is pleased. If one weeps, the other should be sad and weep or at least try to weep.

14-               To share in happy occasions and not miss them.

15-               To respect, appreciate, and praise the other’s hobbies as if they were ours.

16-               Not to return an irritable, rash attitude with a similar one.

17-               To help the other fulfill his tasks quickly, if he needs help.

18-               Not to make up arguments or reopen closed subjects of disagreement so as not to renew pain and sorrow.

19-               Tolerance and forgiveness are some of the noblest attributes.

20-               To distribute the tasks between both parties. Everyone should fulfill their duty before demanding their rights.

21-               Never lie; no matter how big the mistake we try to hide is. Lying is the father of all sins and a liar will not enter Paradise.

22-               If the spouses see an incident together and one of them narrates it to others differently from how his/her spouse sees it, the other spouse must not comment or belie them; let him/ her complete the story the way they see it.

23-               Never steal no matter how badly money is needed.

24-               To love for the spouse what one loves to himself/herself and try to comfort him/her as much as possible.

25-               Maintaining patience in times of adversity is an act of worship. Frequent praising of Allah The Almighty is obligatory.

26-               Salah (Prayer) is the pillar of the religion, and confidence in Allah The Almighty is the basis of success and certainty.

27-               Everyone should call their partner by the name they like and not to take liberties in dialogue or joking in private or among others.