Our Daughters at Home

02/04/2009| IslamWeb

The father should spend on his daughter with satisfaction and not be a miser or remind her of the favors that he does for her. It was narrated on the authority of ‘Aai’shah, may Allah be pleased with her, that she said, “Once, a woman who had two daughters came to me, and I found nothing to give her except a date. So the mother took it, divided it between her two daughters, and went away. After that the Prophet came and I told him what happened, and he said:‘The one who is tested with such girls and did good to them, [they] will be as a screen that protects him from Hell fire.’”

Furthermore, Islam guides us to avoid abusing girls, hitting them or treating them badly. ‘Abdullaah ibn Rawaahah, may Allah be pleased with him, had a maid who took care of his sheep. Once, a wolf ate one of his sheep, so he slapped her and then regretted what he had done and told the Prophet, , about it. The Prophet, , became furious to the extent that his face turned red and his Companions were afraid to talk to him. Then, he said to ‘Abdullaah:“Have you slapped the face of a believing woman? What could she have done against the wolf? What could she have done against the wolf?” The Prophet, , repeated this question many times. This is how Islam treats the girl at home. It showers her with love, honor, forgiveness, care and education.

 

When she reaches the age of marriage, Islam forbids the father to act on her behalf in choosing her husband without her consent. Rather, it orders the father to consult his daughter and execute her opinion. Islam regards the girl’s silence out of shyness to be an indication of consent. “Her consent is indicated by being silent,” is the opinion of Abu Haneefah’s school of Law if the father marries his adult sane girl to a man, and this marriage will not be executed unless she consents. Al-Khansaa’ bint Khuthaam, may Allah be pleased with her, said,“My father married me to my paternal cousin, and I did not agree with this, so I complained to the Prophet . He told me:‘Do you approve of what your father did?’I replied saying, ‘I do not like what my father did.’So, he said:‘Then your marriage is void and you can marry whoever you like…’I said, ‘I approve of what he did but I wanted people to know that fathers cannot force their daughters to marry.’” The Prophet, , heard what she said and did not disapprove of it.

 

In another example, Bareerah, who was a bondmaid for ‘Utbah ibn Abu Lahab, who was married by him to a slave that she did not like and would not marry if the choice was hers. She went to ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, and complained to her. Then ‘Aa’ishah bought her and emancipated her. The Prophet, , told Bareerah, may Allah be pleased with her:“Now you are free and are irrevocably divorced from your husband and you can choose whoever you want.”She therefore left her husband who was deeply in love with her, to the extent that he would follow her around, crying. The Prophet, , said:“Do not you wonder how he loves her so much and she hates him?”Then he said to her,“Fear Allah! He is your husband and the father of your child.”She replied, “Are you commanding me?”The Prophet, , said:“No, I am simply an intercessor.”She said,“Then, I do not want him.”

 

One of the finest examples that is worthy of being quoted in this regard is what was done by ‘Abdullaah ibn Ja‘far, the master of the generous of his era . He was afflicted with financial problems and Al-Hajjaaj ibn Yoossuf proposed to his daughter. He forced her to get married to Al-Hajjaaj because of the dowry that he had paid (a million dirhams). When the girl was carried to him, she was crying. Therefore, Al-Hajjaaj asked her why, to which she said, “I cry over debased honor and honored baseness.” She was indicating the difference in status between them. When ‘Abdul-Malik ibn Marawaan knew of this, he wrote to Al-Hajjaaj to divorce her. Thus, Al-Hajjaaj told her that the Commander of the Believers wrote to him so that he would divorce her. She said, “By Allah he is more caring than my father who married me to you.”

 

This is how Islam prevents fathers from controlling the future of their daughters. Some Imams have said that if the father or the grandfather marries off the young girl or boy, this marriage would be void.

 

We do not deny that some girls ask for more freedom as they are driven by fancy and emotions. Some of them choose their husbands out of false love and passion and these marriages usually end up in regret and grief. Also, we do not deny that laws alone cannot protect the girl from her father as no girl would dare to sue her father in a society without expecting a reprisal. This is an undeniable fact, and this is why we believe that the only solution to the oppression of girls lies in bringing the girl up to be religious and virtuous and to implant this in her through educating and convincing her, not by force and persecution.

 

Cruelty does not protect the girl or make her virtuous. For instance, if you hit your daughter at home or force her to do an act of worship, can you guarantee that she will not deviate when she goes out; when she is in school, in the market or on the street? We know very well that there are some girls who leave their homes in front of their parents with their veils, and then take them off when they are away from home and expose their full beauty. The only way for your daughters to be righteous girls and happy wives and mothers is to persuade them that the future lies in their hands, and to feel deep inside that they are responsible before Allah The Almighty for their deeds and behavior. Hitting, cruelty, or forcing them to marry a man you like is not the solution as this only results in disgrace, suicide or Hell.

 

The way to persuade your girls does not lie in school education or reading books alone. This may or may not prove to be useful. However, the correct way to do this is to implant in their hearts the love of Allah The Almighty, fearing Him, seeking His reward and fearing His punishment. The heart of a woman is more affected by religion and its teachings than that of the man as she is softer in her feelings, more sensitive, more passionate and deeper in her religiousness. I have personally seen the effect of religion on girls and boys as I used to teach both. Sometimes, I found that girls in secondary school shed tears while boys were only slightly affected.

 

As for you, dear girls, when you feel oppressed by your parents and brothers, try addressing their hearts and their conscience, and remind them of what Allah The Almighty has ordered them to do (to care for you, honor and respect you.) If this proves fruitless, then rebellion or destructive freedom would not be useful as you will gain nothing from it except deprivation and disgrace that leads to Hell. We seek refuge with Allah The Almighty from two choices the sweetest of which is bitter.