Love Alone Cannot Render a Mother’s Relationship with her Teenage Daughter Successful

02/04/2009| IslamWeb

Is it enough for a mother to love her daughter and fear for her without taking any positive action? Should not care and love turn into two keys opening to conscious behavior and a positive relationship between them? What do educationalists, psychologists, and scholars of Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) say about the stage of adolescence and the role of the mother during it? What is their advice and warnings to mothers?

Openness

 

Dr. Madeehah As-Safti, Professor of Sociology at the American University of Cairo, sees that in all phases of her life, a girl is influenced by her mother. Generally, a girl imitates everything her mother does and considers her to be a reference in all affairs. The stage of adolescence, in particular, is a critical stage when a girl undergoes great changes, hence her relationship with her mother must be prudent and balanced. In other words, the mother should realize the dangers of this stage that her daughter is going through and watch her unawares. If the mother discovers that her daughter is doing something wrong, she can help her correct that through indirect suggestion or through acting in a way that would give her daughter an example of what she should do. All this is necessary to protect the girl against deviation. It is very important for a mother to adopt the methodology of openness when dealing with her daughter.

 

Within the same context, Dr. Madeehah said that a mother should be fully conscious of her role as a mother, and have a conscious understanding of the stage of adolescence and its accompanying changes. A mother has to develop a relationship with her daughter where the mother is the ideal role model.  She should deal with her daughter wisely, in that she should be lenient when leniency is required and firm or even tough when necessary. A mother could also tell her daughter, indirectly, about some examples that are related to her problem, if she has a problem.

 

Dr. Faatimah Moosa, professor of psychiatry at Al-Qasr Al-‘Ayni Medical Faculty, Cairo University, differentiates between the outer mature physical appearance of a teenage girl and her undeveloped psychological and mental faculties. This is why the behavior of teenage girls are characterized by rashness; they attempt to fulfill themselves, and they are shy because of their changing physical appearance. A teenage girl tries to imitate everything her mother does, yet her emotions are hesitant and unstable because they have not yet fully developed. A teenage girl is easily angered but she regains her good temper quickly. She tends to develop friendships with the opposite sex and this is when the so-called ‘love stories’ begin, and this is another problem. A mother has to be close to her daughter so that the daughter would tell her about everything in her life. This would allow the mother to play the role of the honest adviser, but she should be understanding and broadminded enough to be able to understand all her daughter’s behaviors. If her daughter makes a mistake, the mother must not punish her directly or severely, so that the daughter would not regard her with aversion.

 

Dr. Faatimah warns mothers against neglecting their children, losing their temper and lacking emotions while dealing with them, favoring some children over the others, sick jealousy between mother and daughter, and frequent marital rows in front of them. All these things can prevent the formation of a loving relationship, friendship, and understanding between mother and daughter.

 

How can a mother win her daughter’s love and trust? Dr. Faatimah said that a mother should be close to her daughter and should exchange opinions with her. This would allow the mother to provide her daughter with the experiences that prepare her to be a mother in the future. A mother should know her daughter’s friends and their families and give her space to choose her friends somewhat freely. In case of any disagreement, the mother should discuss the matter amicably with her daughter and try to convince her with logic. The mother should also ask her daughter to help her with the housework and she should take part with her daughter in her hobbies. 

 

Absorbing Anger

 

According to Dr. Faatimah, psychological disharmony with the mother can have negative results, such as the daughter’s trying to have a substitute mother. In such a case, the daughter might choose the wrong woman to act as her substitute mother. Such disharmony can cause the daughter to suffer many frustrations or even depression because of the emotional deprivation. A teenage girl may, in such a case, deviate morally and become aggressive towards herself and others. The mother-daughter disharmony can cause a girl to suffer physical and psychological diseases such as asthma, skin diseases, and continuous anxiety. If their disagreement gets worse, the girl might leave the house to become a drug addict or a deviant individual in the society. 

 

Dr. Fikri ‘Abdul-‘Azeez, a consultant psychiatrist, begins with defining adolescence, explaining that it is a period when the biological, hormonal and physical changes happen to boys and girls. They develop physically, yet their mental abilities remain undeveloped. At this stage, their behaviors are rash and they try to assert themselves through their appearance and through imitation. This could result in mother-daughter alienation and poor dialogue between the two of them.  

 

Regarding the mother’s role during this stage, Dr. ‘Abdul ’Azeez sees that a mother is responsible for guiding her daughter and absorbing her anger, without causing any psychological harm to her. A mother is also responsible for encouraging her daughter’s abilities and helping her to realize herself through creativity, knowledge, and having good humanitarian motives. A mother should also provide her daughter with psychological and social security. Additionally, it is necessary for a mother to be fully aware of the significance of this stage; she has to direct her daughter’s potentials towards useful activities while maintaining a healthy, comprehensive closeness to her daughter. 

 

Blatant Negligence

 

Dr. Ahmad Al-Majdoob, an expert at the National Centre for Social and Criminal Research, accuses some contemporary mothers of being blatantly negligent towards their teenage daughters. A modern woman may be formally educated but the degree she may be holding is irrelevant to the role she has to play. She receives no education or knowledge related to marriage or the household. She does not receive any training that would qualify her to be a mother and a wife. She lacks the knowledge of what is related to her femininity and the fact that she is a woman. Hence, she staggers in dealing with her children and knows nothing about dealing with a teenage daughter during this stage with all its changes and fluctuations. Some modern women consider the education and degrees they receive to be a weapon that they can unsheathe against men, and a sign of rivalry that has led to a conflict between man and woman within the family. This conflict has weakened the authority of both of them before their children and caused family break-up. Dr. Al-Majdoob adds,

 

I know of a case of a teenage girl who came to me saying, “I hate my mother although she gives me all what I want. That is because I know that she does not love me, and only buys these things for me in order to compensate for her absence and negligence. She is only interested in her career, ambition, and competition with her colleagues. When I was surprised by menstruation for the first time, I did not find her beside me to reassure me and do like any other mother would in this situation. Being a man, you can never realize how I suffered because of this experience.” The girl proceeded saying, “When signs of femininity began to appear, I tried to speak with her but she gave me no chance, so, I decided to isolate myself from the world and weep. Some of my colleagues in school are morally corrupt. They tried to seduce me and she was not by my side. When I see a mother embracing her daughter and patting on her hair gently, I feel jealous and annoyed. I go back home with a deep resentment towards my mother.”

 

Dr-Al-Majdoob commented on this, saying,

 

Unfortunately, such examples are very common nowadays. However, in the past, a mother was close to her daughter and undistracted by any material or career ambitions. I recall the time when a mother used to direct their girls in these situations to preserve hygiene and not to be careless about their health. A mother would also advise her daughter not to make violent movements or do much housework during menstruation. Also, a mother in the past was keen on letting no young man in the house know about the pains that the girl suffers; rather this was considered a secret between her and her daughter. Thus, a mother would prepare warm drinks for her daughter and feel for her. Hence, a girl would grow up properly without any undesirable psychological consequences. Nowadays, we hear gynecologists saying that there are shocking and morbid cases that call for our sympathy among the daughters of educated women. Some of them suffer conditions that may inhibit pregnancy because these girls do not receive the proper advice and care from their mothers.

 

Poor Parenting Knowledge

 

Dr. Hanaa’ Abu Shahbah, Professor of Psychology at the Faculty of Humanitarian Studies, Al-Azhar University, agrees with Dr. Al-Majdoob about the importance of the mother’s intensive presence in the life of her teenage daughter saying,

 

Adolescence is a very critical stage in the life of every person, and a mother has to contain her daughter and be close to her during this stage. She should be an intimate friend to her daughter to protect her from torrents of corruption. Friendship protects the girl, and the mother from losing her daughter. If we search for the origins of the problem, we would find that sometimes the mother who neglects her daughter was neglected herself when she was young. Nevertheless, the opposite happens at other times, that is, a mother who was neglected when she was a girl would provide her daughters with much compassion and try to compensate them for what she missed when she was young.

 

The main cause may be the lack of parenting knowledge. Thus, a woman may be holding a university degree but knows nothing about bases of parenting and dealing with children. Formal education does not provide the girl with what qualifies her to play the mother’s role. On the other hand, daughters have become too busy to allow their mothers to provide them with some of their experience, because daughters remain taken up by their education and studying until they get married. Soon after, they become mothers without knowing anything about the principles of parenting or house management. They also know nothing about the characteristics of the stage of adolescence and its possible risks. 

 

Adolescence is a critical stage when a teenage feels depressed and overwhelmed by a desire to revolt and change things. If a mother is close enough to her daughter during this stage, the stage of adolescence will pass safely. Otherwise, their relationship may turn into a war and conflict and they may lose each other. Nevertheless, working women, who are usually educated, have the chance to gain more experience and to know different opinions. Their horizons would thus be broadened and this would help them with raising their children, and enable those mothers to teach their children the proper religious and moral values. 

 

Some daughters’ problems could be due to the fact that their mothers are housewives who spend their time talking on the phone, watching naïve and superficial television programs, or seedy videos. Such mothers may be physically present in the house but, in reality, absent from their children’s lives.