The Second Wife

11/04/2011| IslamWeb

The mysteries of the human self is an ambiguous world that only Allah The Exalted knows the essence of. This self varies from one person to another, and even a single human self is in itself subjected to changes from time to time. It is also influenced by new things, whether feelings or opinions, which change its state. All this is contingent on the dealings of the people surrounding it and the circumstances of time and place.

Life around people is changeable. Accordingly, people's reactions change and they give different responses to different problems, and this is natural in this life which is constantly changing and in perpetual motion. Allah The Exalted, the Creator of such selves, is the only One who is fully acquainted with the nature of their internal changes. No one is capable of understanding their nature but He, who Says (what means):

• {And know that Allah knows what is within yourselves, so beware of Him.} [Quran 2:235]
• {And conceal your speech or publicize it; indeed, He Is Knowing of that within the breasts. Does He Who Created not Know, while He is The Subtle, The Acquainted?} [Quran 67:13-14]  

He is the Great Creator, the All-Knowing of the slightest hidden matters, the smallest things in the self and the finest thoughts. He is also the most Merciful to His creatures, the Generous by His favor and the continuous Bestower of His ceaseless bounty. He Says (what means):

• {And Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]; and mankind was created weak.} [Quran 4:28] 
•  {Allah does not charge a self except [with that within] its capacity.} [Quran 2:286]

Allah The Exalted does not suppress the Muslim selves or tighten the grip around them. Due to His Divine Mercy, He does not let the human live according to a choice that might be inherently wrong, right or subject to partial or whole adjustment according to the changeable circumstances of life. 

 

The choice of marriage that is entrusted to that human self differs from one person to another and also from one time to another and from one circumstance to another.

It might happen that the husband chooses and rejoices with his choice at the beginning and then faces circumstances that only Allah The Exalted knows about and, therefore, he then lives in psychological strife and an internal struggle between a choice that has become his present reality and another that he inclines towards or feels inwardly that he prefers. Consequently, he wants to get married again and have a second wife, which is neither a prohibited choice, nor condemned nor deemed a fault or a pretext for disdain. 

 

The second marriage is an aspect of the great Divine Mercy upon the Muslims. It is also an aspect of the Mercy of Allah The Exalted towards the married couple, the man and the woman, and the two wives - the first and the second.

 

The various options before the Muslim in this life are the source of mercy that comfort a Muslim at times of adversity in order to save him from his crisis and shower him with gentleness and happiness, which guarantees him psychological calmness and happiness.

 

Let us look at a Muslim home that does not experience the smile of a dear child and its playfulness. Should it remain gloomy and miserable forever? Should the husband's life end while his hands did not carry a child, while his lips and face did not touch a child's gentle fingers?  Many men and women would hasten to condemn and denounce this desire, saying, "Let him get married then, but he must divorce his first wife so he does not hurt her feelings, destroy her emotionally or punish her for something that she has no control over!"

 

Referring back to the generosity of the Most Merciful and His Favors, we ask: from the viewpoint of reason and emotion, is it fair that the husband forsakes his first wife who, in most cases, occupies the lion’s share of his emotions and sentiments and has been his partner in the longest periods of his life just because he wants to achieve his innate aspiration to become a father?

 

Is it mercy that he leaves his first wife alone, suffering from being deprived of the favor of giving birth that Allah The Exalted is testing her with, and then actually increase her suffering by loneliness and final separation? He would thus expel her from the home in which she has lived the finest and most beautiful years of her life, deprive her of the company of her husband whom she loves, and isolate her from the environment that has become emotionally and socially a part of her?

 

The Muslim wife who truly believes in the Divine Decree of Allah The Exalted and His fate, whether pleasant or displeasing, should understand that her husband, who has been patient with her for many years and was beside her while seeking doctors' treatments and endured with her the pains of waiting and longing, is an honorable man who keeps her within his heart and feelings.

 

She should also understand that the nature on which Allah The Exalted created him has a pressure and a significant effect, even if he conceals this out of caring for her. Then, why would she ask for a divorce when Allah The Exalted has granted her husband a way to realize his dream and attain the favor of having a child? It is of the Mercy of Allah The Exalted that He did not prohibit this step of the second marriage. Also, Allah The Almighty did not stipulate the divorce of the first wife in order to not destroy a home whose pillars are love, sincerity, affection and consolidation. When the second home is established on the ruins of the first one, the benefit of the community in this case would be little in comparison to the suffering that some of its individuals face.

 

Many of those who object, saying that they care for the first wife's feelings and dignity, as they claim, actually harbor the most enmity toward her. That is because Allah The Exalted is more merciful and kind to her than she is to her own self. Reality proves that many believing women have actually chosen a second wife for their husbands in order not to expose them to hardship or overburden them beyond their capacity. Moreover, they would attain happiness by having a newborn who will give a new extension and incentive to their life.

 

Weighing all one's affairs according to what is lawful and what is prohibited makes the Muslim lead a happy life that would not have the feelings of fury, rage, agitation or worry. Addressing the believers, Allah The Exalted Says (what means):

• {But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.} [Quran 2:216]  
• {Perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah Makes therein much good.} [Quran 4:19] 

According to the indication of the aforesaid verses, it is as if Allah The Exalted does not wish that the believer's feelings and fancies be his main motivation, or that he depend on them when making a choice. That is because Allah the Exalted arranges in the favor of both the believer's present and future, even if he does not see the matter as such when it happens. The first wife might hate the idea of a second wife; however, this might be a step towards abundant goodness that Allah The Exalted is keeping hidden for her. When the believing woman recites these verses, she wards off and turns her back to the whisper of the accursed Satan and those who are ignorant, and Allah The Almighty becomes sufficient for her, as He Says (what means): {And Allah Knows, while you know not.} [Quran 2:216] Thereupon, the self calms down and the heart becomes reassured with the fate of Allah The Exalted and the wide door of hope is swung open. This hope then showers that assured and satisfied self and, therefore, she says, "This marriage might produce the son who was neither carried in my womb nor nourished on my blood. This son might be the hand that helps me when I am tired and supports me when I stumble. His kind stroke might be what wipes away sadness, gladdens the heart, compensates the defect and fulfills the need. He might be the gift of mercy that Allah The Exalted sends me. However, Satan makes this unclear before me now."     

 

However, a loud voice that condemns this while seeming to be gentle, merciful and kind, says, "What terrible pain that is caused to the first wife due to her husband's second marriage! What psychological stress and limitless harshness will she be subjected to! What suffering will she experience!”       

 

Let us look around; is there a human who lives without suffering from anything in this life? Is there any person whose life ends without enduring difficulties or hardship? The husband might refrain from getting married to another wife, but he may thereby become ill-mannered and treat people unkindly, to the extent that he may move from one lover to another, while everyone knows about it and relatives speak of it, and he may disregard the fire of condemnation and hatred that burns his wife. Many wives live this way and endure it for different reasons. In the end, AIDS might be the recompense of many of them and they could die without anyone taking care of them. 

 

On the other hand, life might go on naturally as it is and the husband may get married and become a father without informing his first wife, and let her provide him with her love, kindness and loyalty as usual while he is separated from her by another new world that is filled with the crying of a child. However, joining her with him from the beginning in choosing the second wife might prevent many problems that would become clear in the future.

It might happen that the husband was previously married and did not tell her and she was thus unaware about this. What if she as the second wife believed that she was, in fact, first! Is this not a simple image of real emotional suffering that many women live through, their lives ending without anyone to even pretend to cry over them?

 

Hopefully, the crying and wailing of those who feign it would be directed towards the wife who is burning every night while her husband is with his lovers, for, for such a wife is worthy of being cried and wailed over.